Gone but not forgotten
by pam1
Summary: How the family deals with death you may want to have a tissue handy .


**Gone but not forgotten **

**Disclaimer: "Big Valley" and its characters belong to Four Star. I made no profit and no copyright infringement was intended. **

**Setting: end of the first season. **

**How the family deals with death (you may want to have a tissue handy).**

Nick was slightly distracted as he came into Stockton to pick up some supplies. He had a sense of foreboding all morning long and therefore was deep in thought when Earl Jenkins, the telegraph operator, called his name. Nick had paused and turned to face the man that was now running to meet him, his apprehension growing.

"Nick, got a telegraph I think you should see right away". Jenkins said.

By Jenkins' tone, Nick knew the news would not be good. When he read the telegraph all color drained from his face, the hand holding the telegraph shook slightly. "Can you forward this to Jarrod in San Francisco? Include that I will catch the afternoon train and we'll travel the rest of the way together."

"Will do Nick. I am so sorry. I'll send someone out if there should be any additional telegraphs."

Nick thanked him and headed home; those that passed him were surprised by his subdued nature. When he finally reached the ranch he was greeted by Heath.

"Boy Howdy that was fast." Heath headed to the wagon to unload the supplies and was surprised to find it was empty. "Uh Nick, did you forget something." Glancing around he was even more surprised to see Nick still sitting in the wagon, staring straight ahead. "Nick, are you ok?" Heath shouted running up and laying a hand on the other man's arm.

Heath's touch brought Nick back. In a quiet voice he asked "Are Mother and Audra at home?"

"Mother is inside and Audra is in the garden. What's wrong? Nick, please talk to me!"

"Heath, I can only say this once. Can you please get Audra and meet me inside."

"Sure, we'll be right there." Heath was worried; he had never seen Nick so upset. He rushed to the garden to find Audra taking some clippings, humming to herself. Taking a deep breath, he forced himself to calm down. "Audra, Nick needs to see us inside."

Without turning, Audra replied, "Oh no, what scheme is he hatching now?" When she finally faced Heath and saw the unease on his face, she cried "Heath, what's wrong?"

"I don't know, but I don't think it's good." Heath honestly answered. The two hurried into the house.

Nick was standing quietly in the foyer, watching his mother reading in the drawing room. He wished Jarrod was here, he would know the right words to say. Then it dawned on him, Jarrod would be alone when he got the news, with no one to comfort him. Nick immediately cursed himself for his thoughtlessness in forwarding the telegraph. He should have just asked Jarrod to meet him at the train and informed him when he got there. He was shaken out of this musings by Audra's call.

"Nick, Nick what's happened." Audra cried; alerting their mother to his presence. Victoria was immediately on her feet and rushed to him.

Nick glanced to Heath, "Say close to Audra, ok". When Nick saw Heath nod of agreement, he turned to his mother. "Mother, please sit down." Wordlessly Nick led his mother back to the sofa. When Heath had settled Audra besides their mother, Nick began to speak while he knelt in front of his mother holding her hands. "Mother, there has been an accident at Gene's school." He paused only long enough to take a deep breath and began to speak again, ignoring his mother's and sister's alarmed cries. "Gene was run over by a runaway wagon; he didn't survive."

"No, no there must be a mistake." Victoria cried before collapsing in a flood of tears in Nick's arms. On the other side of sofa Audra had buried herself against Heath as a torrent of tears overtook her. Nick finally allowed his tears to fall as he comforted his mother.

When Nick pulled himself together, he continued. "Mother, they said that he never felt anything, he didn't suffer at all. I've sent Jarrod a telegraph, I'll take the afternoon train and Jarrod and I will bring Gene home."

Victoria pulled herself together and thanked Nick before turning to her daughter. "Audra" she called. Audra left Heath's embrace and fell into her mother's arms.

As Nick excused himself, Heath sat back numb. He hadn't cried yet but was surprised at the overwhelming sense of loss he felt. It wasn't like when his mother died but it was far worse then when any friend had died. His and Gene's relationship was new and still developing. He hadn't spent much time with the youngest Barkley boy but he honestly liked the bright, earnest young man. Gene was never openly hostile to him; at least if you didn't count the time when Heath and Nick fought over Hester and Nick's back was broken. But in all other dealings with the young man he had been treated with respect and friendship. He wasn't as enthusiastic as Audra in welcoming him into the family, but they were slowly building a strong relationship. Heath began to pace trying to handle the growing despair. He glanced over to Audra and Victoria and was amazed at how much his new mother had aged since Nick had delivered the sad news. Victoria Barkley was one of the strongest people he had ever met and to see her devastated was heart wrenching but didn't explain his pain, nor did Nick and Audra's obvious suffering. Then it hit him, his pain wasn't because Victoria had lost her son or Nick and Audra's had lost their brother; it was because he had lost his brother. Heath stopped pacing and leaned against the wall as the tears finally escaped. He had fought his way into this family, demanded to be accepted but until this moment, he never fully understood just how much this family meant to him. Gene's quiet acceptance of him had encouraged him to keep fighting and as typical of most humans, Heath hadn't realized how important his brother Gene was until it was too late. He doubled over, attempting to check the flow of tears and vowed that he would never let another member of his family doubt his love for them.

He was still trying to catch his breath when Nick came up and laid a hand on this shoulder. Immediately Heath straightened and apologized. "Sorry Nick."

"You have nothing to apologize for. Gene was your brother too."

"I thought you went upstairs to get ready for the train."

"I had to let McCall know about Gene. He'll take care of the ranch."

"Sorry, I should have done that. I'll go with you if you want." Heath offered.

Nick glanced at Heath and then to his mother and sister. "I can't tell you how much I would appreciate that. But I have a favor. I'm worried about Mother and Audra. Someone needs to stay with them. I have to go; I promised Gene I would bring him home." Nick voice broke as he uttered the last statement.

The tears that Heath had just managed to control attempted to burst through again as he remember Gene's last trip home. Nick had been delayed in picking his youngest brother up and Gene had to rent a horse. As Gene left to return to school, he had made Nick promise that the next time he came to Stockton that Nick would take him home.

"I'll take care of Mother and Audra." Heath quietly stated.

"Sorry but you'll need to tell Silas about Gene when he gets home from his visit. He said he would be in sometime around 8. He'll be a big help but you'll have to watch him too. "

The two brothers spoke about other arrangements that were needed in preparation for Gene's return until it was time for Nick to get ready to go to the train. After he dressed in his dark suit, he entered Gene's room. He was relieved to see Heath in the room, packing a case with what Gene would need. When at last it was time to leave, Nick embraced his mother, sister and brother before climbing aboard the carriage. He promised to send a telegraph when he knew which train they would be returning on.

Nick sat alone on the train wishing Heath could have come with him but knowing he was needed at home more. He fought hard to keep the tears at bay. His baby brother was dead; he still hoped to wake from the nightmare. The eight year gap in their ages made it difficult for them to be more then brothers until Gene was in his teens but then they quickly became friends, when the difference didn't matter so much anymore. Jarrod had been away at college when Gene started school so it was up to Nick to watch out for him. Nick was the one that taught him how to handle school yard bullies and face their parents when he eventually got in trouble. Gene was so young when their father died, so Nick and Jarrod had to teach him all the skills he would need. Nick focused on ranching and outdoor skills while Jarrod honed the business and etiquette skills. Nick often teased Gene for switching majors so many times but was proud of his little brother. He and Jarrod were lucky, they both always knew what they wanted but Gene was different, he hadn't figured it out yet; the only thing he knew for sure was it would not be law or ranching. He would stand on his own merit and not in the shadow of his older brothers. Nick knew whatever Gene chose he would have succeeded but now he wouldn't have the chance.

Even though the train was crowded, Nick never felt more alone. Once again he cursed himself for informing Jarrod the way he did and continued to worry about his mother and sister. He knew Heath would take good care of them. Nick remembered Gene pleading with him to give Heath a chance. His anger at his father's betrayal had caused him to give Heath such a hard time when they first met, almost prevented him from accepting Heath into his life. How dumb he had been. Families were supposed to grow, albeit it usually wasn't by getting a full grown sibling. Today his family had shrunk, that wasn't supposed to happen for a long time. He vowed to make sure that his family always knew how much they meant to him.

Jarrod could hear the train whistle in the near distance. He had timed his arrival at the station well. The hours that had passed since receiving Nick's telegraph had been busy. He had contacted the school and had arranged Gene's personal possession to be packed and he had grieved. He knew that his grieving wasn't complete and felt guilty that Nick had to inform the family of Gene's death but he was grateful for the time he had to deal with the initial shock of his brother's death. Had he been home when the news was received, he would have postponed his need to cry for his youngest brother, focusing instead on his mother and remaining siblings' agony. Alone in San Francisco, once clearing his schedule and making the necessary arrangements for Gene, he holed himself in his apartment and just grieved. Ranted, raved, and even tossed things. The release centered him and he could now be Pappy for the family. Nick had come up with the nickname when they were children and Gene was the only other person that called him that. It started out as a taunt, since Nick objected to his older brother bossing him around, in short time, it had become a term of affection, appreciation for the fact that Jarrod had always wanted what was best for his brother. With Gene and Audra, Jarrod had always felt like a second father to them, even while their father was alive. He was twelve and thirteen years older then his two youngest siblings and their father was very busy building the family empire. He remembered when he and Nick were young; they often missed their father's attention. When his much younger siblings arrived, he silently vowed to ensure they didn't feel as deprived. Even when he was away at school or even during the war, he would find the time to write or telegraph the two youngest Barkleys with something he thought that they would find interesting. Gene was the most like him in regards to temperament. As Gene grew older, he shared many common interests with Jarrod. The two debated books, music, art and school boy pranks. Nick never and Audra rarely joined in. Even though Gene was much younger, Jarrod never gave him a free ride in the debates and he knew that Gene appreciated that. Now he was alone in his interest, Audra liked and was knowledgeable about art and music but was a very poor debater and had very different taste, especially in books. Gene had a smart mind and a quick wit and he would sorely be missed.

As the trained pulled in, Jarrod pulled his thought away from Gene and focused on the family. Nothing could be done for Gene now, but the rest of the family needed someone to lean on and Jarrod would once again provide the service. He was concerned that his newest brother, Heath, would pull into himself and attempt to hide his grief. Jarrod vowed that Heath would know that he was his Pappy too.

As soon as Nick saw Jarrod, he apologized. "Jarrod, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have told you in a telegraph about Gene, I should have waited to see you."

"Don't worry Nick. It gave me time to make arrangements. I'm glad that you are going with me. And I'm sorry that you had to be the one to tell Mother. I wish I could have spared you that. How is everyone holding up?"

"I think Mother was still in shock when I left. Audra hasn't stopped crying and Heath is trying to keep it together. I still can't believe it. "

"We'll get through this, it just going to take some time."

Jarrod then informed Nick of the arrangements he had made. They would head out to Gene's school and spend the night. If all went as planned, they should be on the morning train to Stockton.

Heath drove the wagon into town to meet the train, had it only been a day since they learned of Gene's death. Beside him his mother and sister sat quietly, for now, the tears were gone. Heath had been amazed at how well his mother had handled the previous day. She showed remarkable strength when dealing with the various callers. Nick had stopped by to see the minister on his way to the train. By the time Reverend Holden had arrived at the ranch, Victoria Barkley was once again in control. She had efficiently made the arrangements for the funeral. And here she was today, holding her head up as she went into town to bring her son home for the last time. Audra too had pulled herself together, although there was no disguising the circles under her eyes or the sadness on her face. Heath was starting to worry about Audra, she had been much too quiet that day.

Audra was unaware of Heath's concern. Her thoughts were fully focused on Gene. Not only was he her brother but since there was only a year separating them, they had been best friends. They had shared many secrets and adventures. She remembered crying the day that Gene started school in Stockton and she wasn't allowed to go. She remembered how happy she was when he returned from school and then got angry with him when he told her he had made new friends. Gene quickly offered to share his new friends and was immediately forgiven. The two would often argue but would quickly get over it. Just as people were surprised Jarrod and Nick were so close, people were often surprised at Gene and Audra's closeness. Jarrod and Gene were very much alike personality wise just as she was closeness to Nick in regards to personality. While Gene didn't understand her as well as Nick did, he always supported her. In the school yard, he had been her champion, ensuring that the boys didn't tease until she told Gene she enjoyed the teasing. She remembered how the two of them had clung together when their father had been killed. She tried to remember Gene's last trip home. Did she tell him she loved him when he left, did she ever tell him what a wonderful person he was? She vowed that she would always take the time to let the members of her family know just how special they were.

Audra involuntarily tightened her grasp on her mother's hand, Victoria immediately responded by squeezing back. Victoria had buried her parents and her husband. She had lost babies in the womb and right after birth. None of those past tragedies had prepared her for the pain and sorrow she now felt. Gene's birth had felt like a miracle at the time. She had lost several babies between Nick and Gene and the doctor wasn't sure if she would ever be able to carry the baby to term. When Gene was born, he was healthy and happy. Due to his easy going nature, he quickly made friends. While he was closest to Jarrod in temperament, she also found that he shared some traits with his newest brother. Both Gene and Heath were uncommonly concerned about the feeling of others. Not that her other children were inconsiderate of others but Nick and Audra's impulsive nature often had them doing or saying something that they'd regret and Jarrod's sense of justice also sometimes blinded him to the feelings of others. Gene often put his own feelings aside for the feelings of others, especially one of his siblings and she had seen Heath do the same thing numerous times since she met him. Victoria remembered as Gene was leaving to return to college, he called her 'Ma' and then immediately asked if he was too old to be calling her that. She had honestly answered that he would never be too old to call her that, even if he lived to be 100. Now he was gone having only lived a very small fraction of that.

Victoria had friends that had lost a child and they had never recovered. Her friend Jenny Miles had just lost her son Evan, at Victoria's hand. Those that knew Jenny said she spoke as if Evan had just gone away on a trip; she still made plans for his future. Victoria could never understand how someone could get to that state but now she knew. With the overwhelming sense of grief, she wanted to pretend that it hadn't happened, that Gene was still happy and healthy at school. She wanted to continue to make plans for his next trip home and imagine what kind of woman he would marry. It was very tempting to tell herself that her baby boy was still alive and well. She wouldn't always pretend, just long enough to get through the next few weeks. But Victoria knew that it was a dangerous path. It would never be easy to accept that her son was gone and to act otherwise would be harmful for her remaining children. No, she had to put away those dreams she had for her lost child. She would share the memories with family and friends but not dwell on his death or what might have been.

The family would get through the funeral, the next few weeks, months, and years. They would laugh again and God willing, there would be weddings and babies in the future. Victoria vowed that while Gene was gone, he would never be forgotten.

Note: this is my attempt to explain why Eugene was never mentioned after the first season and also maybe why Heath and the others bonded so strong, so quickly. Death can either pull a family together or tear them apart. I think we would all agree that in times of trouble, Barkleys stand together.


End file.
